Inspired by the spine-chilling, awww-inspiring, tired, and timeless costumes of Villagers this year. Let’s hope a few of my references fade into irrelevance, sooner rather than later… For the trick-or-treater who keeps up with news both local and national:
One Month’s Rent for a One-Bedroom Apartment, Anywhere in the Village
All you need is a set of stilts! The taller, the more accurate—but please spend an hour or two practicing before you make for Bleecker…
The Ghost of RFK Jr.’s Brain Worm
Sure, it’s “so last year,” but so is the idea of RFK Jr. occupying any position of authority. Besides, what if the worm were still alive… stuck beneath the many layers of tin foil that line that fool’s skull! This costume will always be funny, easy, and deservedly mean.
Goldendoodle
Brooklyn has feral cat colonies; we have silver-spoon goldendoodles. (My dog knows at least seven—maybe more, but they can be hard to tell apart.) Like the classic black cat, this costume can be simple or surreal, sexy or cute. I recommend a Shirley Temple wig and a pastel pleather collar with rose gold hardware—gold if you insist, but never mere silver.
Barron Trump
Don’t worry, he’s of legal age! And the jumpscare will be well worth the life sentence to a Soviet-style work camp in Alaska. Think about it: NYU students breathe freely now that Melania’s Trump has fled our den of liberal iniquity. Imagine their horror when you come into view, a vision of heritable authoritarianism! Again, I recommend stilts. Stand as still and silent as the Washington Monument. Powder your face paler than Antoinette’s favorite wig. Slick your hair so far back that you can feel your hairline receding. It’s Halloween! This country is a trashcan fire! Let’s enjoy our inalienable rights before they’re removed forcibly from the Constitution.
For the couple who met during crowd work at the Comedy Cellar:
Bob Dylan and Timothee Chalamet as Bob Dylan
I haven’t seen the movie but my boyfriend (basically a Bob Dylan groupie) has and he was pleasantly surprised. This costume demands a bit of brutal honesty, because it won’t work unless you cast whichever of you is better looking as Chalamet. Loiter in front of The Bitter End and under the Washington Square Arch for recognition and irony, respectively.
West Village Newlyweds
He’s in PE; she’s got an MBA from UVa. They fell in love over a key bump at a lavish birthday at The Palace, and neither is as good at golf as both think. For the man who knows every shortcut on Excel but can’t read the care labels on his clothes: a tight button down worn untucked over white jeans; accessorize with a needlepoint belt stitched by a machine and a half-empty tin of Zyn. For the woman who will get everything in the divorce: a beaded camisole and—you guessed it!—white jeans; your margarita must be skinny and the solitaire diamond knocking about your ring finger should be large enough to encompass every kind of conflict not accounted for by the Kimberley Process. Tell everyone about your honeymoon in Sardinia and how AI makes good art, actually.
Jersey Driver and Congestion Pricing
A hyper-local take on a Halloween classic. The devil isn’t difficult: horns, tail, pitchfork, and a pair of New Jersey plates—bonus points if you deliberately obscure one or both! As for the angel… just visualize the CBDTP to the best of your ability, and don’t forget the wings and halo.
For roommates of rental necessity, sprawling post-college friend groups that haven’t yet splintered, coworkers who actually like each other and the improv groups who definitely don’t: The Line for Leon’s Bagels
Your choice of location but start scrounging up faux tourists and fad followers now—you’ll need a block’s worth to make this work. Half of your party should be live-streaming and only a third should possess any sense of self- or spatial awareness! Try for a mix of light-wash denim, overpriced athleisure, designer sneakers paired with pristine LA Dodgers hats, and cute dogs who would prefer to be chasing leaves in the park. Throw in a couple of couriers ordering for multiple clients and an obvious one-night-stand. Forget entirely about the existence of Pop-up, if you chose the Leon’s on Thompson.
Felix Spots
Whether you hate the chalk circles or love them, walk through them or skirt around them, ignore them or Instagram them… You have to admit that they are the perfect low-effort, mimetic group costume. Personalization will make these circles sing.
Late Nights on the BDFM
This kinky disguise requires four and no fewer, but I think you could get away with adding a rider or two—especially if you find an effective way to visually interpret the erotic wordplay. Calling all East Village polycules, Tribeca swingers, and roommates looking to risk six-months’ rent on a sexual experiment: fish something tight and orange out of the depths of your closet and fashion a large letter to fix to its front—be creative with the exact location and consider body paint for a baring alternative. Last but far from least, let loose in a local leather shop! You never know what you might discover about yourself in the planning of this group costume…
Happy (late and early) Halloween from a witch who prefers words to potions!
